LYRICS
UNDER THE INFLUENCE!
1. AY GUYS!
2. EAT MY STUPID KID'S BASEBALL BAT, SUCKA!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS AND COLBY JACK
We're just stupid kids and we don't know what we did
I'm not Lil Wayne but I'll make you go insane
With a little bit of this and a little bit of that
I'll beat your head in with a baseball bat
Lights out going in for the kill
If you don't think I can, I can and I will
Give you a piece of my mind like you would understand
I'll destroy you just as I planned
We don't know where we're going
And we probably never will
So set your sights on me
And get ready for the kill
Sit back and enjoy the YOLO
'Cause that's the only way to go
You only live once I was told that by my homie
But every time he sees me all he wants to do is own me
I've run out of lines so I'm losing my mind
I need to stop this just in time
Like when I run out of lines so you don't hear me shout
Fuck this, fuck that
We're out
3. EVERYBODY KEPT SCREAMING INSTRUMENTAL!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS AND COLBY JACK
Yes, Devo is God
New Wave I play on my iPod
Yes, robot
I fucked your mom right in her robot
Yes, my pen is blue
I like chocolate milk and I like to drink it too
Bosco sticks keep me up all night
They're so white - oh white
Instrumental
Electricity is really cool
Unless you're in a swimming pool
'Cause then you get shocked to death
You will breathe your final breath
The Sensitve Nachos I came up with the name
Some think it's cool
Some think it's really lame
Sitting on my boat staring at the sun
Seeing noises come out
Green colored fun
Chocolate milk covered in cheese
Cupcakes covered with bees
That guys staring like "what the fuck?"
I think we might have run out of luck
Going far away to Narnia
Going to find a man named Jah
Chicken patties on my rooftop
I really hate them fucking cops (I do)
Holy shit we curse a lot
Fuck all the robots
Dumb ways to die
One way to lie
Fuck me, fuck you, fuck you too
Chicken is good
4. I DATED A MIRAGE IN A GARAGE!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS, ROBERT PLATT, AND DAKOTA TURNER
I dated a mirage in a garage
I banged a table in a mirage
My French teacher was a Mexican
He smoked pot and dreamt of killing Americans
Don't tell me what to do 'cause I will fuck you
I saw an old mom over there
He had chocolate milk in his hair
Working at the chocolate factory
Buying all the Real Friends Tees
5. I'M GONNA NUKE THE MEMORIES!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
I'm sorry if you think that I'm loser
But at least I didn't use her
I don't wanna be another hole in the wall
Of memories that has yet to fall
If you think that I'm just an asset
Then I don't need you digging through my wallet
I'm gonna burn it down and never turn around
If you don't think that we can pull through
I'm sorry if you think that I'm loser
But at least I didn't use her
I don't wanna be another hole in the wall
Of memories that has yet to fall
If you think that I'm just an asset
Then I don't need you digging through my wallet
I'm gonna burn it down and never turn around
If you don't think that we can pull through
Then I don't want you to be here when I wake up
I've had enough
And if you don't think that we were meant to be
Then I don't want you to be here when I wake up
I've had enough
If you think I just held you down
Then I won't have to be around
I'm sorry I wasn't the best
But I never said I'd be like the rest
I ain't gonna be that cool
And I'm sorry for you 'cause you're playing the fool
6. IN THE WINTER!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Winter, but no snow
My friends left me here, I have nowhere to go
Had no gas and no car
So I couldn't get very far
So I sat on the garage floor
And all of my friends came to the door
Well, actually, no
That was a joke
I just sat all alone
In the winter, all alone
7. MY FOOT IS STUCK IN A BOOT!
8. POLITICS RHYMES WITH DICKS!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS AND COLBY JACK
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS AND COLBY JACK
I hate politics
A fools game played by dicks and pricks
At least it's better than a country chick
But both of them make me (they make me sick)
Some may fall for their cheap ass lies
But I see through them and I despise
The way that they rob us blind
And leave us all (they leave us all behind)
In the scene of the crime
Let the blood spill from those who knew
No one has the slightest clue
Of what or who or when they do
But who cares (fuck you)
9. SEEING THROUGH THE EYES OF A CUPCAKE!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS AND COLBY JACK
I don't see in color
I see in frosting vision
My Pastafarian god helps me make decisions
About talking pancakes and cat flavored gods
Only silent songs are played on my iPod
Crossed out lines on the grape vine
You can find him on the longest line
Boring people float in blue toilet water
All the time spent inside your granddaughter (burn)
There's really no chorus 'cause we forgot to write one
Gotta take a piss now
This so called chorus is done
Waterfall the frosting from the Oreo tube
Then go to Egypt and swim in the nude
Chocolate lemonade on a frosting sun
Hungriness makes the mind go numb
Dorrito's burning on a hot plate of clocks
Burning alive your conscience starts to talk
The information burns through the R.E.M.
Storming through the mind
The mind of a friend
10. SNAPCHAT WILL DESTROY US ALL!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Take a picture, Snapchat it all
Wait until your friend hits the wall
Can't sleep on the ceilings
With a stick up your nose you lose all feeling
No one cares what you say
We wish that you would go away
(I hate screamo)
Put your phone in the microwave
Feeling whole again, you start to crave
A universe deep fried and boiled to death
Hobo's smoke string cheese flavored meth
My friend once told me to fuck your mom
I did just that and I took her to the prom
And if you don't want me around
I will fuck your dad and take him down
11. THE SONG SAID TO BE HORRIBLE, BUT WASN'T!
LYRICS BY COLBY JACK
A red tree, a bright orange key
And a rabbit stuffed in a hole
Silken to the bone, dry exoskeleton
Corpse sell for a loan
The hawk cried, majestic eagle died
Sammy got sad and sighed
No intelligence will bear
Unless you're standing there
With your turquoise colored hair
Paper spacious lines with sea salted fries
Violation of your lies
Another day in Egypt
See you came to stay
Yet you turned the other way
What else do you want to say?
A fruit bowl filled with grapes
Grapes were the size of apes
Terrifying, yet you escape
A SENSITIVE CHRISTMAS!
1. SNOW BLOWER!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
This Christmas I hope you know
That your mom will be blowing more than snow
'Cause no mom will be missed this Christmas
I've got 'em all on my Christmas list
Hope you know none will be missed
Except the ugly ones
This Christmas I'm fucking all
Got all the moms on my caller ID
Got all the moms and they're coming after me
The mom's this Christmas
I'll fuck yours too
2. I ALMOST KILLED A KID FOR CHRISTMAS!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Joy to the world I got in my car
And almost killed everyone
I almost killed everyone
I almost killed a kid for Christmas
He almost had to fucking flee
And if I didn't stop for him
His guts would be all over the street
All of the other drivers
Used to laugh and call me names (Used to?)
'Cause they said my driving
Was really fucking lame ('Cause it is)
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
I got real fucking drunk (Like always)
I got into my shitty car
And almost killed them all
All the other drivers
As they shouted out with hate (Fuck you)
We'll fucking kill you next year
Just you fucking wait
3. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
I'll steal you all the presents from underneath our neighbors tree
When we wake up we'll order pizza for just you and me
It'll be so much fun, hanging out under the winter sun
Just the two of us
But I don't think you'll feel the same
Every time I try to get close to you
You only run away
And every time I try to get next to you
You tell me to stay away
So sick of being alone on Christmas
So I put you at the top of my list
Of things I want from the big man in red
And if I don't get you then he'll get a bullet in his head
I'll kill Santa Clause
PRIMEGALIME!
1. PRIMEGALIME!
2. ...AND A 1,2,3,4!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
And a 1-2-3-4
We're the only dumb band that you can't ignore
If you shut us off we'll break down your door
So turn up the bass and the scene gets funky
We're TSN and we're not Fulunkees
But we're idiots and losers too
Bet you five dollars we're lamer than you
No one talks to us, we ride the short bus
Well, thank Jesus we're not named Guss
3. JOIN US!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
We're the only dumb band that you can't bring down
Even after criticism we're still hanging around
'Cause we don't give a shit
This is just for fun
And you can't tell us when the party's done
And we won't give in to your stupid demands
Cut your hair, (FUCK NO!) and wear wrist bands
And we won't listen to your stupid words
'Cause the music's so loud
You won't be heard
You better join us
'Cause we aren't going anywhere
Join us
I know you threw our demo away
You were hoping that thing never saw the light of day
But I got news for you we're coming back
And guess what else
We're gonna attack
So you can run, but you can't hide
If you're not dead I won't be satisfied
'Cause you're a piece of work, and a fucking jerk
And you wouldn't sign us 'cause we can't twerk
I can see you still want to bring us down
'Cause you made a call to everyone in town
Say we suck (you guys suck)
'Cause we can't sell
To your major mainstream fans that dwell in hell
We're not Linkin Park or Hollywood Undead
We're not looking for something already said
If you want that sign Blood on the Dance Floor
'Cause they're a band nobody wants anymore
4. PANCAKES!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS AND COLBY JACK
Pancakes are cool, pancakes are rad
Unless you're Colby Jack and think they are bad
Then you are lame, totally off the chain
I'll shove these pancakes into your brain
I don't think they're bad, you misunderstood me
I don't really prefer them while I'm sipping on my tea
Hey dude! MC Lars is on Warped Tour!
Congratulations!
Dude, no one says congratulations
Sorry about that... Where were we?
They seem kinda lame with the syrup on top
What am I? A donut loving cop?
Donuts?
Yeah... I like donuts
Pancakes
You eat 'em while you're cheating on your pancake exam
Pancakes
You eat 'em while you're fucking with Uncle Sam
That's a wrap
5. MY FOOT IS STUCK IN A BOOT!
6. WHITE TRASH ALIEN!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS AND COLBY JACK
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Finding yourself in the soles of your shoes
Don't blame me for LSD blues
Have your eyes crawl up the wall
Forget them 'cause they'll slip and fall
Inside your mind you'll find the time
To eat the bodies of the talking limes
It's okay, you'll be gone soon
To swim with the gods on the talking moon
You're trying too hard
Playing the wrong cards
I see you and you try to care
But it's impossible with that fake smile that you wear
All of your friends are inside your head
They control all the words that you've said
Without them, you're nothing at all
Just a white trash alien who ain't got any balls
You're worse than Roger on American Dad
Changing your persona, the only fun you've ever had
So don't blame me for your LSD blues
That you keep finding in the soles of your shoes
7. YOU AND I WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
I like chocolate ice cream and I like having fun
Yeah I think that you're the one for me
You and I were meant to be together
You and I are always and forever
8. CHICKEN FRIES!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
I'm trying but my stomach is crying
You didn't even bring me any lunch
And I can still smell what they're frying
Bring me them or you're gonna get punched
I want my chicken fries
My true love is the chicken fries
The kind of loving that goes straight to your thighs
You can not fake that kind of commitment
Fill me up with loving and make me fat
BROKEN BONES, BROKEN HOMES,
AND FLOOR LAMPS!
1. ALYSSA!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
It's been a lame three days and now I want them over
Gonna take some time to go and recover
Gonna spend my time thinking about you
And how you broke my heart
All I wanted was to say hi
Now I hope that you go away and fucking die
I don't care about you
Alyssa
What the hell?
You broke my fucking heart
Can't you tell?
This is like every pop punk song ever written
Except I'm not Jaret Reddick
And you're not bitching me out
Instead of even talking
You're probably just ignoring me
Running away 'cause you think I'm fucking crazier than Marilyn Manson
Now I can't believe that I ever even fell for you
Wondering why you broke my fucking heart in two
And now I'm running around
Singing love songs like I'm Masked Intruder
Or something...
Maybe I care a little bit
Bitch
2. WELL SURE HE CAN TALK, BUT IS HE SAYING ANYTHING?!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Me and my friend, we thought we could pretend
How foolish was I to believe in his lies
He mistook me for a fool
He thought that I was uncool
How mistook was I to believe in his cries
I'll be out flying all the time
Me and my friend, we thought we were dead
How foolish was I to believe what he said
He stole the stars
Now it's thars upon thars
And I found out how, so now he's a crocodile
3. D.L.W!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Apparently dogs like waffles...
Fuck you!
4. SCULPTOR'S CUT!
LYRICS BY COLBY JACK
Daily Thursday shutout past the Richey leaves
Asked my boy Frankie if he could save a spot just for me
Next thing I know, drops were falling on my Braves cap
Ran in the mud, just me and a cold
Coughing up my lunch
Damn smoking habit's getting old
Eyes grow clear, and I see Frankie with two beers
Willie in the background
Handed me a beer and said cheers
Heard some bustle, crash, sang, sew
Peeked in the closet, Billy was dead on the floor
Picked him up, and put him in a chair
Saw Billy smile
Frankie said
"No wonder why I'm losing my hair"
I love it when Billy tests me
Reminds me of our lives
Drinking beers in the heat
Billy stood up, his grin faded away
"That'll actually be me one day
And you can cry and you can call
But the ambulance won't help at all
Just put on some Johnny Cash
And put a beer in my hand and make me laugh."
Finished up our beers, and it was getting late
Had to get up early, I'll be mowing my lawn at 8
We went our separate ways on Chickdale and Smark
Forgot my lighter and the street was real dark
I hear a scream and I look around
I see Billy face-first dead on the ground
And a car driving away
I started running away
Ran to the music store where the record players laid
I grabbed some Cash, and walked right out the door
Clerk was too used to me robbing the store
Then I ran to my place
Grabbed three beers, and I ran back to Billy
Still laying dead on the ground
Found a way to turn on the Cash
And put a beer in his cold hand
Then I opened mine and started singing along
I knew right then, this time he was gone
Then I heard some singing and looked at Billy
There he was breathing, singing along with me
He took a sip, and we laid laughing in the street
5. H.B.S!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Happy birthday to Storm Summers
Fuck you!
Just kidding!
BY LOSERS, FOR LOSERS!
1. PLAY COPY!
2. BOWLING FOR SOUP AND THE FLORIDA ACCIDENT!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Bowling for Soup can't stand Florida
But what about Disney World and all the Florida girls
Blame it on Georgia, but no one understands
Why you just can't skip them and come back here again
I guess we're not punk enough for you
Fuck you and your 2113
No one cares anyways
Fuck you Ivory Tribes and The Dollyrots too
Don't bother stepping foot in Florida again
Unless you plan to play with The Hextalls
Don't bother stepping foot in Florida again
Unless you plan to play with Masked Intruder
'Cause that'd be rad
3. FOOD ROBBERY!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Don't judge me as I'm sliding down your rafter
Everybody knows what I'm after
I'm gonna steal all the food from your fucking pantry
Now I know you're gonna come along and fucking judge me
Seriously, what do you want me to do?
Go to the store and buy my own food? (BUY YOUR OWN FOOD!)
When yours is sitting out and it's totally free?
Why can't you just spare some fucking for me?
(Food robbery, Put your hands up)
OMG, it's a food robbery
That's what it's called so hand your food over to me
I could tell you I'm homeless, or maybe I'm an orphan
Maybe I'm Batman or maybe I'm a dolphin
Swimming along in the streets, you know
'Cause there's a lot of water, it's like ten leagues below so
Get off your ass, shovel it in the bag dude
That's all I came for, all I want is your food
I'm not gonna kill anyone or beat anyone up
Unless you spill some Coke when you're filling my cup
4. BE TAKIN'!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Taking time to find another way
It's just the way it is
Taking time to find another day
It's just the way it is
Be taking all my time
Taking time to find Jesus
In the back of a gas station
More time spent whacking it
Than the king of masturbation
5. DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Don't know what's going on
Hair Metal is completely insane
I think that hair must've gone to their brain
So hey man, why don't you quit?
You're over fifty now and you're sounding like shit
Get off the stage 'cause no one wants to hear
Another lame singer drunk on Bud Light beer
I get it but I'm over it, Sweet Child O' Mine
I never liked it 'cause I never lost my mind
Don't know what's going on
But I can't bear to hear that song
So turn it off so it won't play again
And this pain and torment can finally end
Axl? (NO!) I think you meant asshole (YES!)
He was right about Courtney but other than that
He's just another loser who don't know where it's at
So get off the stage before I kick you off
I'd rather be at a gig with David Hasselhoff
I don't care, wave your hands in the air
And try to be cool with your stupid fucking hair
6. YOU'RE A FISH!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
They used to call him fish back in the day
'Cause he was doing everything but swimming their way
And everybody said "Hey"
And Bubby always said "Let me fuck you in the A"
He said
"Don't tell me what to do cause I'll do what I want
I'm not your rainbow fish but I've got the fins to flaunt
So fuck off you ain't getting my junk
No matter how many times you try and play the funk"
You're a fish you bitch you really suck
I guess this is it
The end of the song
Just my luck nobody swam along
I guess you could say my facts are wrong
But Mangina still walks around with a lemonade thong
7. JACOB THINKS I'M GAY!
Jacob thinks I'm gay
But it's all the same
When he's looking at all of the guys
I'm the only one who stands out
But now who's to blame
When I'm always looking A-Okay
I'm always looking like I should
Then I notice his stare from the back of the class
I can tell he's thinking about fucking me in the ass
So now I know that I have to think fast
Before I'm forced into an anal blast
I don't want you
I want Melissa Debling
Or Zooey Deschanel
Or Hayley Williams
Or Katy Perry
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
8. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE FABULOUS TRASHCAN FARTS!
9. I CRY!
10. TEACHER PLANNING!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
I hate everyone
I'm gonna buy myself a loaded gun
And shoot you in the face
11. MY GIRL! (JESUS JIM)
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
See the way she loves me, she's my girl
See the way she holds me, she's my girl
See the way she cheats, she's not my girl
I know how you talk to other guys
I know that it's just a bunch of lies
Just an excuse to get in their pants
'Cause you don't wanna waste your time with love and romance
My girl
Jesus Jim
12. BRUSH IT OFF!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Every single day I've gotta wake up
Gotta get down to the new sound
Every day I've gotta put on my pants
Gotta go down to the store and get a gallon of milk
And every day I go down to the store
And everybody's trying to give me shit
But I just brush it off
Every day it's just so cool with me
And I see what's going down
And I ain't got a dime to my name
But I wish I did
But that would be lame
So tell me off again
I'll just brush it off my fucking back
So get off
And I'll tell you once again that's not what's going down
I know what's going down
I know what's going on
Every single day I'm going down to the store
Doing everything the same
But you know it's not so lame
Every day I'm gonna do something
13. FUCK YOU!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
F-U-C-K
Fuck you
That's what I'm gonna do
14. DO WHAT'CHA WANT!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Do what'cha want
Do what you want I just don't care
I've lost all faith in you
Don't point and stare
Try and try again to get me to work
But time and time again I'll say jerk
You think you know me
You don't know shit
Do what I want or you're gonna get hit
I've tried and tried again to get you to work
But time and time again I'll say jerk
15. GOT A DOLLAR!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Stick 'em up
Before I shove it up your butt
Give me all your fucking cash right now
Bet you think I'm a little bit crazy
Well I'm off the wall and a little bit lazy
Come after you or maybe that's the truth fool
If you run away I don't think I can catch you
So please stay in place while I punch you in the face
Steal all your cash then punch you in the face
Don't test me, I'm too lazy to give answers
But if you test me, you better make damn sure
You got a dollar
I'm the laziest criminal you ever did see
So hopefully I make it as an MC
Or I'll be homeless living on the street
Begging for your change or something to eat
Well this just got depressing
Time to change the mood
I don't want to write a depressing song dude
So shut your fucking face before I hurt you
It's time to rip this skittleless bitch in two
That's a wrap
16. YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS, COLBY JACK, AND EVAN LABOLT
We eat a lot of food but we're not fat yet
Cholesterol level is a dangerous bet
But I still gotta eat a whole lot more
Before I'm finally full then I've won the war
I gotta eat
Bosco sticks, donuts, and coke
Not stupid pepsi
Candy and sweets to fill my skinny belly
No gym for me, no salad for me either
I'm a lazy loser and a nonbeliever
So fill me up
I need some fuel to get me through the day
I need something to numb the pain
And make me feel okay
We eat a lot of food but we're not food yet
So get up and eat some food
I get stuck in the couch, can't reach the remote
Trying real hard, can't reach the remote
We may not have the strength
We may not have the rep
But when the candy's flowing we stay intact
Fuck
All about that cake
All about that quesarito
All about that lake
All about that amigo
You are what you eat
So I am food
17. TEACH 'EM HOW TO SURF THEN SHOVE 'EM UP YOUR BUTT!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
Fingers go in the electric outlet
And toes go in the what?
Teach 'em how to surf and then shove 'em up your butt!
There's no chorus
I hope you don't bore us
This is just a rap song
No need to sing along
18. GURL UR SO!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
You're so on my mind all the time
The words in my head and my favorite crime
No one on this earth has tits like yours
You're the one that I was made for
Girl, I want you so bad
Girl, you're just the best I've ever had
When I do you by the beaches
And you start to scream
I know that you're the one for me
Sometimes I get really pissed
When all I have to do is think of you
Sometimes I feel like shit
When all I have to do is think of you
19. SCREWED THEMSELVES!
LYRICS BY T-HOMAS
She doesn't want anything to change between them
He's got his car and his football
So what else matters to him?
Now she's feeling like shit
'Cause she'll be sleeping alone again
She payed the rent for way too long, and now he's gone
She doesn't wanna sleep with anyone else
So she screwed herself
He doesn't want anything to change between them
She's got her phone and her car too
So nothing matters to her
Now he's feeling like shit
'Cause he'll be sleeping alone again
He payed the rent for way too long, and now she's gone
He don't wanna sleep with anyone else
So he screwed himself
I payed the rent for way too long, and now she's gone
And I don't wanna sleep with anyone else
So I fucked myself